Healing Attachment Wounds through Somatic Couples Therapy

Push, pull. Pursue, withdraw. Disappointment, resentment. Betrayal, loss. Confusion, anger. Desire, fear. Connection, softening. Safety, openness. We hear these words every day when couples and relationships come to therapy. They are saying what so many relationships face. Deciding to get to work on healing and strengthening your relationships, be it parent-child or romantic partnerships, is the necessary step to change. 

When is a good time to start couples therapy?

In my experience, couples will pursue therapy at different junctures of their cycle. I liken the starting point to how medicine intervenes in health problems. Many relationships jump into the healing process, usually in one of these stages:

Triage (ER):

Triage couples counseling is when the cycle is at its worst. They have this cycle often, but they only pursue therapy when it is a crisis. These couples, if only showing up to therapy during this part of their cycle, will rarely feel satisfied with therapy because they aren’t committed to the deeper change. Usually, temperatures are high, emotions are soaring, and the threat response is locked and loaded. The therapy will help bring some understanding and de-escalation, but usually, surgery is recommended, but not always pursued. This is often similar to just taking pain meds without fixing the pain at the root.

At this juncture, we are hoping the couple can at least move towards:

• De-escalation

• Increased understanding

• Expression of limits and requests without threatening the relationship

Surgical Medicine:

They are out of the triage stage and are ready to fix the underlying issue. This is a vulnerable stage, there are aspects of the relationship that MUST change in order for the relationship to survive and thrive. At this stage, all parties have a role to play and have to take ownership of their part for it to work. Just like a surgical team, we can’t have any under-performing surgeons, nurses, or anesthesiologists–everyone must do their part because everyone contributes to the dysfunction or to the healing. 

At this juncture, we are fixing:

• Betrayals that have to do with unresolved trauma, substance use, work, in-laws, kids, money, sex, misuse of partner, affairs

• Abuse, manipulation, disconnect, consent issues

• Dysfunctional communication patterns

• Threats, threat responses, protective stances

• Attachment threat

• Intimacy: depth of connection, security, and emotional safety

• Physical Intimacy: affection, desire, sensuality, sexuality, sexual activities

ICU Medicine:

There has been triage and surgery, but those came later on, usually after 2+ years of no intervention. So the anatomy of the relationship adapted so much during the years of pain, rupture, and misattunement, that even though we’ve made it through the triage and surgery, but the system needs a period of recovery and attention afterwards.

The relationship is finally healing, but still fragile and susceptible to setbacks, so the couples therapy focuses on managing potential wounds, infections, and old defaults. The longer the time a couple waits to get the surgery, tends to indicate how long the ICU stage may be required. 

At this juncture, we are working on:

• Residual emotional and behavioral defaults that led to the betrayals, disconnection, and threat responses in the first place

• Any attachment pain that is still keeping the cycle alive, such as caretaking, codependency, issues of self-esteem or self-worth, shame, and overwhelm that drive behavior, thoughts, and feelings. 

• Dismantling old, outdated ways of relating and thinking that increase relational threat.

Preventative Medicine:

Relationships pursue understanding and explore supportive spaces, books, mentors, guides, helpers, and processes (doesn’t have to include therapy) as part of a shared value for growth, relational development, increased physical and emotional intimacy. 

This aspect of relational medicine can be found throughout the relationship cycle. Some couples can see they need to shore up the relationship prior to kids, a job change, empty nesting, retirement, or because of a difficult family of origin dynamics that could impact the relationship. 

This couple sees the benefit in growth and inherently understands what impact their relationship functioning has on their health, sex life, their self-worth, sense of value, and the people around them (kids, colleagues, friends, etc). 

At this juncture of therapy, we are working on:

• Increasing awareness and insight

• Increasing understanding and empathy

• Working on shoring up security

• Developing an arsenal of secure functioning strategies to handle life stressors such as: money, kids, work, sex, illness

• Expanding and deepening physical intimacy and working on desire, communication, and sexual functioning

• Expanding and deepening intimacy and working on distancing, proximity bids, emotional regulation, and communication

The CYCLE

When underlying attachment wounds go unprocessed, it leads to thoughts, behaviors, and protective stances. In the beginning, you’ll get little tastes of this, then as it goes on without relief, the cycle becomes more and more distressing, usually leading to The Four Horseman of the Apocolypse and more harmful actions like affairs, betrayal, and security violations.

The outward manifestations of inner wounding impact the people around us. 

Usually, in a relationship, the impact of our outward manifestation on the other person triggers their own unprocessed inner wounding. Which then causes them to have thoughts, behaviors, and protective stances of their own. Essentially, at this point, we have multiple people in old patterns of relating, just triggering one another. Volleying back and forth, pain and wounding. Affirming–yes, protect yourself, you are not safe, not seen, not heard. 

Here’s a general negative cycle when there isn’t safety and self-regulation:

All relationships get into negative cycles of relating. The couples that pursue repair when these ruptures take place get the benefit of increased safety, intimacy, and security. These couples also create pathways to return to playfulness, ease, and relief. 

Ruptures are going to happen, and how a couple repairs these will predict the depth of emotional safety. 

Couples in our offices usually have many ruptures, lots of negative cycle stuckness, and very few skills at repair. That is where we come in. We create the space and set the conditions for repair to take place. Teaching direct skills. We increase resilience through understanding, emotional regulation skills, and bringing forward what is needed to heal. 

When couples get into the negative cycle and there isn’t relief soon after, then hardening of hurt, pain, defensive stances, bitterness, fear, and resentment are dominant experiences. 

Healing the relationship IS healing attachment. We are wounded in relationship and so we can heal in it too. 

What is the couples therapy PROCESS? Couples therapy is attachment therapy! 

Relational and couples therapy begins with a period of unpacking, understanding, and gathering information. The relationship begins to be mapped, the cycle, the wounds, and the steps needed for repair are revealed. 

Interventions are woven in during the beginning and middle stages, but the middle phase is the main course where skills, interventions, repair, and practices are directly utilized. In our work, we aren’t just talking about the problems, we are directly interacting with them, interrupting the defaults, and shifting the dance steps directly during the therapy hours. 

The therapist is a guide.

They are teaching, modeling, challenging, expecting, and supporting more secure functioning out of the relationship. I often expect couples who want to stay together to utilize a developmental mindset of learning and evolving into fully alive humans. 

If we want change to happen, we have to change, and it usually requires couples to step out of their defaults and explore more vulnerable, courageous, and transparent ways of relating. When the conditions are right for this to happen, we are accessing deeper levels of healing that are touching into long-ago wounds. 

When emotional safety and playfulness are restored in couples, we are creating a vortex of healing that reaches back to the deepest wounds. We are setting the stage for sexual exploration, for lifelong partnerships, and satisfying intimacy.

Finally, once the bulk of intervention has lessened the load of pain the couple is carrying and there is a palpable increase of safety, security, and intimacy outside of sessions, we move to the maintenance stage. 

In the maintenance phase, we are working out any issues that need to be addressed and the residual changes that the work has created in your life. We are increasing pleasure and intimacy and supporting the co-creation of the type of intimacy that you want. 

At Compass Healing Project, We Like to Provide Couples and Relationships Relief.

That is why we sometimes use an intensive therapy approach to our relational work. In the beginning, we may recommend longer sessions, 1.5-4 hour sessions, to expedite the process. Some of us do day-long, weekend, and marathon sessions for expedited change. Others of us use the 1.5-hour model weekly, bi-weekly, or based on what works best for the relationship. 

We utilize a few models of relational work. Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) are attachment-based models that we weave Mind-Body principles into. Most of these approaches interweave attachment, resilience, and skills from a developmental perspective, meaning: what is happening in the relationship can be transformed into opportunities for healing, growth, and human development that reach into someone’s childhood, the present, and the future.

Start Working With a Couples Therapist in San Diego, CA!

Compass Healing Project is a specialized private practice in California and Colorado for integrative somatic psychotherapy for individuals and relationships in person and online in California and Colorado. We offer in-person couples therapy and online in the state of California. By incorporating mind, body, heart, and spirit in their couples therapy work, the clinicians bridge the gap for many couples and relationships who have outdated ways of functioning. 

Start your journey for yourself by following these simple steps:

1. Fill out this form, email us, or call us at 760-456-7713.

2. Meet with a caring therapist

3. Start finding support for your relationship!

Other Services Offered at Compass Healing Project

At Compass Healing Project, we take a holistic approach to therapy, using a range of modalities to support various mental health needs. In addition to relationship therapy, we can help reclaim your nervous system with somatic therapy. We also offer EMDR, Clinical Sexology, hypnotherapy, ketamine-assisted therapy, and embodiment practices—each tailored to help with anxiety, depression, PTSD, grief, and sexuality concerns. To learn more about our services, visit our blog or connect with our compassionate therapists in Colorado and California, who specialize in trauma resolution, emotional healing, and integrative therapy to support your journey to well-being.