How Do You Find the Right Partner? What to Look For…

Many people struggle in their relationships, not because they don’t care about their partners, but because they didn’t know what to look for in the first place. Choosing the right partner isn’t just about falling in love or having chemistry. It’s also about feeling safe in your body, understood in your emotions, and supported in your growth. 

Finding the right partner starts with learning to listen to your whole self, mind, body, and heart. In somatic therapy, we consider how the body reacts in different situations. Your body has a lot of wisdom to share when choosing a healthy, loving relationship. 

A recipe for a lasting romantic relationship has a mixture of:

• Connection

• Chemistry

• Communication

• Mutual Care and Consideration

• Reciprocity

• Admiration and Adoration

• Respect

• Trust

• Strive towards Fairness

You have the power to shape your relationship with your voice and nervous system. Communicating your wants, needs, desires, and limits from the outset creates a dynamic. Without your awareness of yourself and the honest ownership of yourself, you’ll struggle to experience connection, emotional maturity, and intimacy. 

“Being honest with yourself is an act of self-love.” Yung Pueblo

A healthy nervous system experiences all states of humanness—excitement, fear, disconnection, joy, pleasure, grief, anger, sadness. Having resiliency is the ability to feel these states and not get stuck in them or avoid, defend, or deflect against them. Your relationship to your nervous system and your feelings is evidence of your emotional intelligence and resiliency. 

Give yourself and your potential partners a hint by exploring your inner world and learn how to feel and deal instead of avoid, defend, and deflect. 

Awareness of yourself and honest ownership of yourself (including the ability to take ownership of the impact you have on others), is essential for secure relating.

Let’s explore what to look for in a partner and how to tune into your body as you search for someone who’s genuinely a good fit.

1. Pay Attention to How You Feel in Their Presence

One of the first signs that you’re with the right person is how you feel when you’re around them. Do you feel calm? Safe? Like, can you be yourself?

Your nervous system can help guide you. If you often feel relaxed, grounded, and present with this person, that’s a good sign. If, instead, you feel tense, anxious, or like you’re walking on eggshells, your body may be telling you that something’s off—even if your brain is saying, “But they’re so nice!”

Pay attention to your inner world, especially if your date “looks good, feels good, and tastes good” but lacks the emotional depth, vulnerability, responsiveness, and ownership of their needs, wants, and limits. Especially if they expect relationship privileges without the time, communication, and trust required to get relationship privileges. You are likely dating someone who doesn’t have the capacity for the type of relationship you crave. Try to share a deeper feeling about their negative impact on you, and watch. Do they get curious and compassionate, or do they avoid, deflect, blame, shame, defend, spiral, or gaslight? 

Sometimes our minds get attached to an idea of what we think we want: someone attractive, successful, or funny. And while those traits can be great, they don’t guarantee emotional safety or connection. Your body’s responses can be a better guide than your checklist. Don’t fall for their potential. Don’t fall for the story they are telling you; rather, listen to the story in their actions of how they treat you, others, and themselves. 

The person you date and their flaws WILL still be present 10 years in. Any change that follows will be purely based on if they value personal growth, and you see that value embodied in tangible ways in their day-to-day life.

2. Do You Feel Seen, Heard, and Valued?

The right partner will make you feel like your thoughts and feelings matter. They’ll show curiosity about your life and listen when you speak. They’ll ask how you’re doing—not just out of habit, but because they actually want to know.

Feeling seen and heard is a core need for most people. When you’re with someone who truly values you, you’ll notice things like:

• They remember little details about you.

• They make space for your emotions and lead with curiosity.

• They don’t interrupt or try to “fix” you when you share something hard.

This kind of emotional presence creates a strong, lasting bond—and it’s something your body will notice too. You might feel a softening in your chest or a warm feeling in your belly. These are somatic signs that say, “Yes, I feel safe here.”

3. Look for Shared Values, Not Just Shared Interests

It’s fun to have things in common—maybe you both love hiking, or you’re into the same kind of music. But shared values are even more important than shared hobbies.

Values are the deeper things that guide how we live our lives. They include things like:

• How we handle money

• How do we want to raise children (if at all)

• How we approach conflict

• What we believe about honesty, freedom, and responsibility

• What we want sensually and sexually

• Household tasks, gender roles, division of labor, and shared responsibility

• Boundaries with in-laws, work, and substances

Two people can be totally different in personality and still be a strong match if their values align. When your values match, you’ll likely find more ease in making decisions together and facing life’s challenges as a team.

Remember, someone’s life will be evidence of their values. It is lovely to hear about what people value, but ultimately, these values will be expressed with their lifestyle, habits, hobbies, and what they invest their time, energy, and talents into. 

Remember:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Maya Angelou

4. How Do They Handle Conflict?

No relationship is perfect. You will have disagreements and you should have them. Conflict is the gateway for increased intimacy, understanding, and care.  What matters is how you move through those moments together.

The right partner is someone who:

• Can stay respectful even when they’re upset

• Doesn’t try to “win” the argument

• Can take responsibility for their mistakes

• Is willing to repair after a rupture

From a somatic point of view, conflict often brings up a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response in the body. But with the right partner, you’ll be able to return to a place of connection fairly quickly. You might notice your breath deepening again after an argument or feel more open to physical closeness, like holding hands or sitting near each other. 

That’s a sign of secure repair—and it’s a key skill for long-term love.

5. Are You Free to Be Your Whole Self?

A healthy partner will want you to be you. They won’t try to mold you into someone else or criticize you for your quirks. In fact, they’ll probably love you because of those quirks. They might make requests for some shifts that will help them feel safe and close, but they should be able to do this with kindness and curiosity.

You might feel more confident, more curious, and more creative when you’re with them. This doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel vulnerable or have bad days, but it does mean you won’t feel like you have to shrink or hide parts of yourself to keep their love.

In somatic therapy, we often talk about “expanding” in the body. That feeling of expansion—open chest, upright posture, relaxed jaw—is a clue that you’re in a relationship where your full self is welcome. When you start to contract, be curious and share what you are experiencing. You and your potential partner should be able to look at what you are experiencing from a collaborative stance and try to solve it together.

6. Trust Your Gut (Literally)

There’s a reason people say “trust your gut.” Your gut is full of nerve endings and is closely connected to your brain through something called the vagus nerve. It’s where many people first feel signs of fear, joy, or discomfort.

Have you ever had a “bad feeling” about someone, even if they hadn’t done anything wrong? Or felt butterflies around someone who later became really important in your life? Those gut feelings are your body’s way of communicating with you.

Take time to slow down and notice what your body is saying. When you’re with this person:

• Do you feel settled in your belly?

• Is your breathing easy?

• Are your shoulders relaxed?

If so, your body might be saying, “This is a good place for me,” it also may be saying “this is familiar” in a good or not-so-good way. Especially with someone conditioned to make other people feel good without the emotional depth, you’ll need more time and more depth to see if this “good and settled” has the depth of connection for true reciprocity. Be cautious in interpreting the meaning of what your gut is saying, but listen to it and explore. 

7. Are They Willing to Grow With You?

Even the best relationships will face change. Life throws curveballs—new jobs, health issues, family losses, or personal growth. The right partner doesn’t need to be perfect, but they do need to be willing to grow.

That means they’re open to feedback, willing to learn new skills (like how to communicate better), and interested in your growth, too. You’re not always going to be in the same place at the same time, but if you’re both committed to evolving—individually and together—you’ll have a much better chance of staying connected long-term.

A somatic cue for this might be a feeling of movement or flow in the body when you’re around them, instead of feeling stuck or heavy. Relationships that support growth tend to feel alive and spacious, not stagnant or controlling.

8. Check In With Yourself Often

It’s easy to get swept up in the excitement of new love or to stay too long in a relationship out of fear. That’s why checking in with yourself is so important, often and honestly.

You can ask:

• Do I feel more like myself when I’m with them?

• Do I feel respected and emotionally safe?

• Do I feel good about expressing my needs, wants, desires, and limits?

• Is this relationship helping me grow, or is it keeping me small?

• What does my body feel like when I imagine staying with them long-term?

• Do I want to be close to them physically? Do I enjoy proximity to their body?

Somatic awareness is like having an inner compass. The more you practice tuning in, the easier it becomes to notice when something feels right or doesn’t.

Final Thoughts

Finding the right partner isn’t about chasing perfection. It’s about learning to recognize what safety, connection, and what genuine love feels like in your body.

I believe that healthy relationships start from the inside out. The more you know yourself, your needs, your values, and your patterns, the easier it will be to spot someone who’s truly aligned with you.

And remember: The right person won’t make you feel anxious, confused, or like you’re not enough. They’ll make you feel steady, supported, and seen. Your body will know. Trust it.

Start Working With a Somatic Therapist in San Diego, CA and Golden, CO

If you’re curious about how somatic therapy can help you build healthier relationships, our team would love to connect. Whether you're single and looking or in a relationship and unsure if it's the right fit, therapy can help you come home to your own inner wisdom. Compass Healing Project offer individual and couples therapy at our San Diego, CA practice and our Golden, CO practice. Start your therapy journey with one of our trained therapists by following these simple steps:

1. Fill out this form, email us, or call us at 760-456-7713.

2. Meet with a caring therapist 

3. Start creating lasting relationships!

Other Services Offered at Compass Healing Project

At Compass Healing Project, we take a holistic approach to therapy, using a range of modalities to support various mental health needs. In addition to somatic therapy, we also offer EMDR, Clinical Sexology, relationship therapy, hypnotherapy, ketamine-assisted therapy, and embodiment practices—each tailored to help with anxiety, depression, PTSD, grief, and sexuality concerns. We also provide support though IFS and integrative healing. To learn more about our services, visit our blog or connect with our compassionate therapists in Colorado and California, who specialize in trauma resolution, emotional healing, and integrative therapy to support your journey to well-being.