Trauma, boundaries, and your voice are all interconnected. Childhood trauma can seriously impact your ability to set boundaries with others in adulthood. When you experience boundary violations early in life, you may grow up not realizing that you have the right to be an individualized, whole person with your own needs, wants, thoughts, beliefs, and desires for your life. It can also set you up for people-pleasing behaviors, not speaking up, not rocking the boat, and attempting to keep the peace at your expense.
What Are Boundaries?
When therapists talk about boundaries in therapy, we are referring to an energetic line of demarcation that divides you from other people. A fence around your yard is a boundary that keeps others on the sidewalk. Your skin is a boundary that separates the inside of your body from the outside.
Personal space is an energetic, emotional, and physical boundary. Being able to say no and have your “no” honored and respected is a relationship boundary.
What happens if that line is crossed? We call that a boundary violation.
A violation can happen when the space between you and another person is not negotiated in a mindful or respectful way. An example of this is when someone touches you without your consent.
The part of the brain that is associated with boundaries is the limbic, or emotional, system, which includes the amygdala, hippocampus, hypothalamus, thalamus, cingulate gyrus, orbitofrontal cortex, and parahippocampal gyrus.
The limbic brain is responsible for your emotions, regulates your fear response, and consolidates memories of boundary violations. When you experience trauma, it “...overwhelms the nervous system, altering the way that we process and recall memories.” – Bessel van der Kolk
This can lead to feeling resentful, angry, and frustrated. Over time, it erodes trust and weakens relationships, regardless of whether the person(s) who crossed the line intended to cause harm.
Looking through the lens of somatic therapy, boundary violations can be physical or emotional / relational.
Here are a few examples of boundary violations. As you read these, notice whether any of these examples feel familiar to you.
Physical Violation: This means your physical boundary is crossed in some way. Physical boundary violations could include someone touching you without consent, going through your private belongings without permission, using or taking your belongings without asking, getting into your personal space, someone running into you at the grocery store with their cart, or someone cutting in front of you when you’re standing in line.
Emotional/Relational Violation: This means a violation that impacts your emotional space and inner world. This could include a close friend or family member (or partner) sharing your secrets or other people using inappropriate, disrespectful, or oppressive language toward or about you. This could also include when others assume the reasons behind your actions or assume your thoughts, feelings, or preferences without checking in.
What Happens When Your Boundaries Are Crossed
People who are regularly exposed to behaviors, people, or situations that create a sense of lack of emotional and/or physical safety in their nervous systems often don’t feel they have a voice and they have little to no connection to what healthy inner or outer boundaries are. They develop boundaries that are either flimsy or non-existent, or rigid and inflexible.
Flimsy or non-existent boundaries lead to conflict avoidance, keeping the peace, and not rocking the boat. They may have learned early in life that it’s not safe to speak up, so they stay silent, have no voice, and because of this, they tend to develop people pleasing behaviors, or what I call “doormat syndrome.”
They want to speak up, but they’ve learned that the consequences of doing so are unpleasant at best. Additionally, they may develop brain fog and have difficulty identifying the fact that their boundaries have been violated.
On the other hand, if people adapt or cope by developing rigid or inflexible boundaries, they tend to display bullying behaviors and often repeat the pattern of violating others’ boundaries that they experienced early on life. They may talk over others, don’t allow others to say “no,” bulldoze others’ boundaries, are not open-minded, and often push others away.
When Trauma from Boundary Violations Doesn’t Get Released
If the trauma from boundary violations is suppressed, it gets stuck in the nervous system and tissues of the body. Over time, it may develop into anxiety, depression, autoimmune issues, digestive issues, physical pain, or chronic disconnection from the body’s sensations and emotions.
You may experience reduced or heightened responses that don’t make sense to your rational mind. This leads to further difficulty in knowing how you’re truly feeling or how to respond appropriately.
Because the trauma is still living in your nervous system and tissues, your response may not match the intensity of the current experience.
For example, a loud noise may cause you to shut down and feel numb or anxious, or fly into a rage and not be able to control your emotions or what you say.
This can lead to distrust in the body, lack of agency, flimsy or non-existent boundaries, or rigid and inflexible boundaries, inability to speak up, or bullying behaviors and bulldozing other’s boundaries.
Many clients I have worked with over the years say things such as “I can’t say no; I don’t want to let others down; my mind goes blank; that’s selfish, I could never do that.”
It breaks my heart to hear people say these kinds of things because their nervous systems and bodies are just doing what they’re designed to do - keep them safe and alive.
How Somatic Therapy Can Help
There are numerous types of somatic therapy, including Brainspotting, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Somatic Experiencing™ (SE), and Somatic Trauma Resolution™ (STR), to name just a few.
I practice Somatic Trauma Resolution (STR), which supports you to identify boundary violations that have occurred and empowers you to heal and transform through developing increased body awareness, or what is known as ‘interoception’ and ‘inner attunement’ to nuanced body felt sensations.
This is done in what is called ‘staying within your window of tolerance.’ At first, you may not have the ability to tolerate feelings of discomfort, or even to feel your body or emotions. Over time, your somatic therapist will support you to increase your ability to feel your body and emotions, and to allow them to be released and healed in a way that feels safe.
As you regain connection to your body and emotions and release trauma imprints, you become empowered to regain your voice, agency, and healthy physical and emotional boundaries. You begin to feel a sense of safety and well-being, which creates spaciousness and the ability to develop new healthy thinking patterns and behaviors, increased self-esteem and self-worth, improved self-perception, and healthy relationships with your family, friends, community, and culture.
Here at Compass Healing Project, we like to refer to this process as whole-making.
When the trauma is released from your nervous system, your ability to respond appropriately to current events and relationships in your life increases exponentially. You become better equipped to identify your emotional and physical boundaries, and learn how to communicate your boundaries to others in a healthy way.
Start Somatic Therapy in San Diego, CA
If you would like support to heal from boundary violations and learn how to communicate effectively with others about your boundaries, reach out to one of our somatic therapists at
We offer in person and virtual therapy throughout Colorado and California to support you to heal from the trauma of boundary violations, and empower you to live a fulfilling, meaningful, authentic life. Start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
Reach Out and Fill out our New Client Inquiry Form to get started.
Schedule a discovery call with one of our caring therapists.
Start creating healthier boundaries!
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha
Other Services Offered with Somatic Therapy in San Diego, CA
At Compass Healing Project, we take a holistic approach to therapy, using a range of modalities to support various mental health needs. In addition to Somatic Therapy, EMDR, Clinical Sexology, hypnotherapy, ketamine-assisted therapy, and embodiment practices. Each is tailored to help with anxiety, depression, PTSD, grief, sexuality concerns, and relationship issues. To learn more about our services, visit our blog or connect with our compassionate therapists in Colorado and California. Our team specializes in trauma resolution, emotional healing, and integrative therapy to support your journey to well-being.
References
DuBois-Maahs, J. (2020). What is Somatic Therapy and How Can It Benefit You? https://www.talkspace.com/blog/somatic-therapy-what-is-definition-get-started-guide/.
Good Therapy. (2017). Somatic Psychotherapy. https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/somatic-psychotherapy
Kauser, K. (July 8, 2018). How somatic therapy can help patients suffering from psychological trauma. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-somatic-therapy-can-help-patients-suffering-from-psychological-trauma/.
Levine, P., & Frederick, A. ( 1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma. North Atlantic Books.
Payne, P., Levine, P. A., & Crane-Godreau, M. A. (2015). Somatic experiencing: using interoception and proprioception as core elements of trauma therapy. Frontiers in psychology, 6, 93. Doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2015.00093.
Psychology Today (2019). Somatic therapy. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/somatic-therapy.
Schwartz, A., PhD. (January 20, 2017). Boundaries and Relationships. Boundaries and the Self-Dr. Arielle Schwartz.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Random House, LLC.
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