My Partner Cheated on Me. What Do I Do?

Understanding betrayal, finding your next steps, and beginning to heal.

Finding out that your partner has cheated is one of the most painful things you can experience in a relationship. You may feel shocked, angry, heartbroken, or even numb. Many people describe betrayal as having the rug pulled out from under them. Suddenly, the world you trusted no longer feels stable. Betrayal trauma can cause PTSD (flashbacks, dissociation, chronic shame and rage, triggers, nightmares). So when the rug gets pulled out from under someone, their sense of safety in relating to others is severely compromised. 

The lack of trust in others and in themselves becomes a driver of fear and nervous system dysregulation–caused by someone else.

If you’re asking yourself, “My partner cheated on me, what do I do?” — you’re not alone. This guide will walk you through practical steps for caring for yourself, deciding what comes next, and exploring how couples therapy or individual therapy can support healing.

Why Infidelity Hurts So Deeply

Infidelity doesn’t only break trust — it shakes the foundation of safety in a relationship. When someone cheats, it often leads to:

• Feelings of betrayal: You counted on your partner to uphold a genuine connection with you. Learning that they were being deceitful can invoke a specific kind of pain.

• Loss of security: The relationship no longer feels predictable or safe.

• Questions about self-worth: Many people blame themselves, even though cheating is never the fault of the betrayed partner. You may ask, What could I have done differently? But it's good to remember that when someone cheats, it is almost always about them and their inability to exist in a secure, committed relationship.

• Uncertainty about the future: You may wonder if your relationship can survive or if it’s time to let go. You may be in a position where you don't know if you can leave. It can be a shocking and unsettling discovery, leaving you with nothing but your feelings and questions.

Understanding these feelings is a crucial step toward regaining movement and feeling safe again.

Step 1: Allow Yourself to Feel

When you first find out about cheating, it’s normal to feel a rush of emotions. You might swing from anger to sadness, from confusion to hope, sometimes all in the same hour. 

Betrayals are a version of unilateral thinking and being in a relationship with a partner that tends to think unilaterally can create feelings of insecurity, crazymaking, and confusion.

This gets compounded if the betrayer discloses breaches of trust over many months or years. It is well known that disclosures should happen over a short period of time rather than over a period of months or years. 

A slow trickle of information over a long period of time is a way to leverage the relationship investment, remove choice from the partner, and avoid the consequences of those decisions that usually bring guilt/shame/harm. The slow trickle creates more harm in the long run. Sadly, choosing to disclose over a long period of time is another example of unilateral thinking and one that creates more harm than good.

 Give yourself permission to feel it all.

• Give yourself permission to cry, be angry, be devastated, and to feel the heartbreak.

• Journal your thoughts. Let it all out; it may seem silly and cliché, but bringing your thoughts into reality and seeing the words can help you understand what you are feeling more.

• Call a trusted friend or family member.

• Take time to care for yourself and prepare for the next couple of days before making any big decisions. 

• Keep in mind that the acute bigness will eventually make way for feeling the loss, disappointment, rage, and grief, and that will make way for deciding if you want to stay or not.

Suppressing your emotions won’t make them go away. Letting yourself feel in a safe, restorative environment is part of the healing process.

Step 2: Focus on Self-Care

Betrayal can take a toll on both your mind and body. Right now, self-care is not a luxury — it’s essential. Betrayal trauma has the impact of post-traumatic stress on someone; it is essential that you learn to normalize and validate what you are feeling from this perspective. 

Try to:

• Eat nourishing foods, listen to your body; it's okay if you aren't hungry. If you do have an appetite for something specific, now is the time. Listen to your urges and feed your body what it's craving. A warm cup of tea or hot bone broth can always be nourishing on an empty stomach.

• Pay attention to your possible need for rest. Integrating happens in rest, as you are starting to process and feel the weight of things, your body may need a break. It's a lot to take in, so let yourself give your body what it needs.

• Move your body with gentle exercise like walking or stretching. Maybe you want to run or scream. Do it! Drive to a mountain top and stomp and scream and shout. Let your body let it out.

• Find ways to support your healing process. Maybe it's time to lie on the couch and drink tea with a sister or close friend. Maybe you are ready to try doing some yoga or meditation. Every situation is unique, and you might need something specific to aid your healing process. Get curious about what that is.

Taking care of yourself does not mean ignoring the pain. It means giving your body and mind the support they need to move through it.

Step 3: Pause and Slow Down

When our systems go into survival mode, you might feel the urge to make a quick decision: ending the relationship right away or, on the other hand, pretending nothing happened.

Instead, try to pause before acting. Give yourself time to:

• Observe your feelings. Don't overwhelm your system. You could start with journaling, sitting on a beach, listening to music, going for a walk… Do something for yourself to titrate the bigger emotions.

• Reflect on what you want. Try to let go of what people would think or what your partner might be feeling. You deserve to act on what you know is best for you.

• Do what is best for you. Listen to that quiet knowing voice inside yourself that knows what this means for you.

Rushing a decision can add more stress. Waiting until your emotions settle a bit can lead to choices that feel more grounded and true to you.

Step 4: Seek Support

Cheating can feel incredibly isolating. You may feel ashamed or afraid to share what happened. But keeping it all inside makes the pain heavier.

Consider reaching out for support:

• Friends or family you trust who will listen without judgment.

• A therapist who can provide tools to cope and process the betrayal.

• Support groups where you can hear from others who have been through the same experience.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Healing often begins in safe, supportive relationships.

Step 5: Communicate with Your Partner When You’re Ready (If it is Safe to Do So)

At some point, you may want to talk with your partner. These conversations can be incredibly difficult, but they can also give you clarity.

When you feel ready, consider:

• Asking for honesty: Understanding what happened and why. The more clear and the more honest these initial conversations the better. Getting into the nitty-gritty details may or may not serve you, but we recommend being really mindful about getting a clear picture of who, what, where, and why.

• Setting boundaries: Deciding what you need in order to continue talking. It is essential for the healing process that the betrayed set conditions and boundaries that must be maintained to restore trust and safety. The betrayer must engage whole-heartedly in this process (if the betrayed wants to “make it work” and stay together).

• Expressing your feelings: Sharing the impact of their actions. The betrayed now has to live with the consequences of their partners’ actions, so it is vital that the betrayer learn to hold empathic, owning, and understanding space for as long as needed. This is how the repair gets repaired, if the betrayed gets defensive or explains away their choices, the repair will be stalled.

If the conversation feels overwhelming, working with a couples therapist can provide structure and safety for both of you. This might not be necessary for you if you have already moved on emotionally. There is nothing wrong with taking your things and going. A couples therapist can help profoundly if there are kids involved and you need assistance having a safe and productive conversation. 

Can a Relationship Survive Cheating?

Many people ask, “Is it possible to rebuild trust after cheating?” The answer is yes — but it takes commitment and most importantly the desire to repair from both partners and often the support of therapy. 

Rebuilding involves:

• Transparency: The partner who cheated must be willing to be open and accountable.

• Repair work: Both partners explore what was broken and how to strengthen the relationship.

• Consistency: With most betrayals, there is a breach of trust that either has to do with secrets, a breach of the relationship expectations, or a breach in protecting the relationship. The repair has to include consistency to help the nervous system find solid ground.

• Patience: Healing trust can take months or even years.

For some couples, infidelity is something that can be healed from. For others, it signals the end. Both outcomes are valid. 

When It Might Be Time to Walk Away

While some couples heal after infidelity, others realize that the relationship cannot continue. It may be time to step away if:

• Your partner continues to lie, keep secrets, or engage in the offending betrayal behavior.

• They refuse to take responsibility. They blame you or someone else for the choices they made.

• You continue to feel emotionally invalidated or unsafe and/or your physical safety with this person is in threat.

• You no longer want to rebuild the connection. You may know that rebuilding trust isn’t an option for you.

Ending a relationship after cheating is not a failure — it’s a choice to honor your worth and move toward healthier possibilities.

The Role of Therapy in Healing After Cheating

Therapy can be a powerful support system during this time, whether you stay in the relationship or not.

Individual Therapy

Helps you:

• Process emotions like anger, grief, or shame.

• Rebuild self-esteem.

• Gain clarity about what you want moving forward.

Couples Therapy

Supports you and your partner to:

• Talk openly about the betrayal.

• Understand what led to the cheating.

• Learn tools to rebuild trust (if you choose to stay together).

• Explore whether continuing the relationship feels right.

• Share the burden of the traumatic imprint back to the betrayer through trauma resolution modalities like Somatic Experiencing, EMDR or Parts work (link service pages or blogs please)

How Somatic Therapy Can Help

At Compass Healing Project, we specialize in somatic therapy, which focuses on the connection between mind and body. After betrayal, emotions often get stuck in the body as tension, pain, or restlessness.

Somatic therapy can help you:

• Release stored stress and trauma from the body.

• Learn to regulate intense emotions.

• Reconnect with a sense of safety and grounding.

This approach can be especially helpful if you’re struggling with anxiety, panic, or physical symptoms after discovering cheating.

Practical Next Steps

If you’ve just found out your partner cheated, here are some immediate steps you can take:

1. Pause and take care of yourself. Give yourself a moment to calm your body.

2. Reach out to someone you trust. Don’t carry this alone.

3. Prioritize self-care. Rest, nourish, and move your body gently.

4. Seek support. Consider scheduling a therapy session.

5. Decide what you need in the short term. Space? Answers? Boundaries?

Key Takeaways

• Betrayal hurts deeply, but your feelings are valid and normal.

• Take time for self-care and avoid rushing big decisions.

• Support from trusted people and therapy can ease the burden.

• Some relationships heal after cheating, while others end — either path is okay.

• Somatic therapy can help you reconnect with your body and restore a sense of safety.

Discovering that your partner has cheated is heartbreaking. You may feel lost, confused, or unsure of what to do next. Remember: you are not alone, and you do not have to figure it all out right away.

Whether you choose to rebuild the relationship or walk away, healing is possible. With support, self-care, and time, you can move through the pain and toward a future that feels safe and meaningful again.

Start Online Couples Therapy in California

At Compass Healing Project, we are here with you through the hard moments. If you’d like to learn more about how therapy can support you after betrayal, we invite you to reach out to one of our trusted and supportive therapists. We would love to help support you through this. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:

1. Fill out this form, email us, or call us at 760-456-7713.

2. Meet with a caring therapist 

3. Start healing after infidelity!

Other Services Offered at Compass Healing Project

At Compass Healing Project, we take a holistic approach to therapy, using a range of modalities to support various mental health needs. In addition to relationship therapy, we can help reclaim your nervous system with somatic therapy, and offer intensive couples therapy. In addition, we also offer support for teens, EMDR, Clinical Sexology, hypnotherapy, ketamine-assisted therapy, and embodiment practices—each tailored to help with anxiety, depression, PTSD, grief, and sexuality concerns. To learn more about our services, visit our blog or connect with our compassionate therapists in Colorado and California, who specialize in trauma resolution, emotional healing, and integrative therapy to support your journey to well-being.