How to Get the Most Out of the Couples Therapy Process

Tips to strengthen your relationship and make the most of each session

Introduction

Couples therapy can be a powerful way to strengthen your relationship with your partner, work through conflict, and build new patterns of connection. Whether you and your partner are facing ongoing challenges, have a history of hurt, have intimacy issues, or simply want to improve communication, therapy provides a safe space to examine the relationship and rediscover each other.

But many couples wonder, “How do we make sure we get the most out of this process?”

This blog will guide you through the steps to approach couples therapy with openness, realistic expectations, and practical tools — so you and your partner can create meaningful change.

Why Couples Therapy Can Help

Relationships are complex. Even the strongest couples face moments of misunderstanding, distance, or conflict. Couples therapy offers:

• A safe space to talk openly without fear of judgment. The therapist is there, not to tell you what to do, but to help you get to the core of what you are saying and communicate with your partner in a way that they actually hear you. Many couples struggle to make the time and space that is conducive to deep conversations and intimacy. Even then, many couples struggle to say what they need to say in a way that can be heard. Couples therapy puts your relationship on the map and centers it.

• Guidance from a relationally trained professional who helps you see patterns you might not notice on your own. They can also offer an outside perspective on what you are both struggling to see past. Centering your relationship is a win-win for everyone. The couples therapist creates and guides sessions so you reach your goals, whether that be issues with boundaries with work, cycles of criticism leading to burnout, or not experiencing joy, pleasure, or connection together. The opportunity for growth and getting the relationship you want is endless; couples therapists are trained to help you get there.

• Tools for better communication so you can listen and express yourself more effectively, not just in therapy but in your everyday life. Communication is such an undervalued skill. When we can communicate our thoughts and feelings in an accurate and genuine way, we possess the power of living authentically. Couples therapy gives you a rare opportunity to get feedback and tweaks on how you and your partner communicate, often these are tweaks that make a world of difference. Ever feel like it would be helpful to have someone witness the cycle? Couples therapy is just that, but the therapist knows what needs to shift to have it stop happening.

• Support in rebuilding trust if the relationship has faced challenges, such as betrayal. This is not an easy thing to overcome. Having someone to guide you through the very normal feelings that come with things like betrayal can make all the difference when it comes to repairing a bond. Couples therapy guides couples in how to repair wounds and hurts. Couples often don’t know what is required to heal Betrayal trauma, so they spend a lot of time talking about it and managing triggers, but don’t have all the tools to heal. Couples therapy helps the couple build an actionable plan and strategy that works.

• Opportunities for growth in intimacy, teamwork, and shared understanding of each other.

Knowing why therapy can help sets the stage for making the most of the process.

Step 1: Set Clear Goals Together

Before starting couples therapy, talk with your partner about what you hope to gain. Ask yourselves:

• What challenges or patterns need to be addressed?

• What would a happier relationship for us look like?

• In an ideal world, what would we walk away from therapy with? What do we want from this experience?

• If you woke up tomorrow and your problems were gone–what would your relationship look and feel like?

• What am I scared of if I were to open up to my partner more or if my partner opened themselves up to me?

• What aspect of our relationship needs support? Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Psychological, Spiritual, Financial, Trust, Communication, Managing thirds (work, kids, money, family, others).

• What bothers you most about one another?

For example, one couple might want to reduce conflict about parenting or the extended family.. Another person might want to rebuild trust after feeling betrayed or lied to directly. Some couples simply want to feel closer again after feeling as though they have lost the spark.

Writing down your goals can help you and your therapist focus on what matters to you and what you wish to heal in your relationship.

Step 2: Choose the Right Therapist

Not every therapist is the same, and not every approach fits every couple. When looking for a couples therapist, consider:

• Training and approach: There are many different methods of therapy. Each method has strengths. At Compass Healing Project, we are heavily biased in Whole-person therapy (aka Integrative Somatic Therapy). Look into any methods you find interesting, do some research about what seems like a good fit for you and your partner. You should look for a therapist who is trained to see and intervene within the system, in other words, someone who is relationally trained.

• Comfort level: You should feel safe and respected. Both parties feeling comfortable with the therapist is the ideal scenario. This will allow everyone to speak freely and get to the core of what is actually happening.

• Practical needs: Look at scheduling, location (in-person or online), and cost.

The right therapist is someone both partners feel comfortable working with.

Step 3: Be Honest in Sessions

Therapy is most effective when both partners show up authentically. This means:

• Sharing your true thoughts and feelings, even when it’s uncomfortable. You'd be surprised how relieving it can be to finally speak to your partner about what is truly on your mind and have someone beside you to help navigate a heavily charged conversation.

• Admitting mistakes or patterns you’d like to change. You might be worried your partner will use this against you or try to use it to their benefit, but remember, the therapist is there to keep the attention on the end goal. Admitting mistakes can be more about you releasing some burdens and less about your partner “winning” an argument or conflict.

• Allowing vulnerability, which often deepens the connection. Letting your partner see you and giving them access to your thoughts and feelings can be a reminder as to why you started this relationship in the first place. Being vulnerable can be powerful and beautiful. 

It can be scary to open yourself and let your walls fall, but honesty is what helps the therapist guide you toward healing.

Step 4: Stay Open to Feedback

A therapist’s role isn’t to take sides — it’s to notice patterns, point out blind spots, and suggest new ways of interacting and be a space to practice relating differently. Sometimes you might hear feedback that feels hard to hear or even completely off-putting. Try to be curious. You can ask your therapist questions as well! You could say, “That does not feel like what I'm experiencing. What drew you to that conclusion?” or “Actually, I think my experience has been this and not what you said, can we explore that?”

Instead of getting defensive, try to:

• Pause and listen before responding. Try not to react right away. Soak it in and see if your defensiveness is because you have been misunderstood or because you don't want to admit the pain you have caused or the pain you currently feel.

• Reflect on what’s true in the feedback. It may not all be true, but some of it might. Openness is your best friend; you are here for a reason, and it's to accept help and to heal.

• View it as an opportunity to grow rather than as criticism. Everyone on the planet has faults and makes mistakes. You are no different. What would set you apart is your willingness to own and grow from them.

• Remember, you are one part of a whole system. The more you look at your dance steps, the more likely the whole dance will change. Your therapist is there to help you look at your part. If it doesn’t feel right, say it!

Remember, therapy is a team effort. Curiosity helps both you and your partner move forward.

Step 5: Practice Patience

Many couples want quick fixes. But real change takes time. Just as a relationship didn’t develop its challenges overnight, it won’t heal overnight either. We offer different couples therapy containers, some couples want weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, or intensives (multi-hour or multi-day containers). Choose the pace that works for you. Some couples prefer meeting weekly over meeting monthly, while others prefer to set aside a day once a quarter to work in an intensive container. Ask one of our therapists about the different options when you are ready to start working relationally. We offer free consult calls to make sure you are getting the right support.

Be patient with:

• Yourself as you learn new skills. The things that are happening in your relationship didn’t start overnight, the changes to a healthier version won’t either.

• Your partner as they work on their part of the relationship. They may be moving at a different pace than you. Don't give up and trust that they will find their own process.

• The process as it unfolds step by step. Ask questions about the process and be an advocate for what changes you’d like to experience. Take ownership and hold yourself accountable for the parts you can change.

Patience allows space for lasting transformation instead of short-term solutions. Couples therapy is about finding lasting solutions, which often means a lot of vulnerability, honesty, and working together like you have never done before. 

Step 6: Do the Work Between Sessions

Therapy doesn’t only happen in the therapy room. The real progress often happens in your daily life. Insight and understanding can only go so far, you actually have to make mindful shifts outside of therapy to change the dynamic.

Your therapist may give you homework, like:

• Practicing active listening.

• Scheduling quality time together.

• Journaling feelings or patterns.

• Trying grounding or self-regulation exercises.

• Co-regulation practices like eye-gazing, taking turns being held, or soft contact after being away from one another.

• Reading parallel on a topic that has to do with your marriage, like rebuilding trust, sexual intimacy, how to love your partner with ADHD, or parenting after a child loss.

• Scheduling in practices that increase safety, spice, or emotional vulnerability.

Sometimes the work can be tailored to what you need specifically. Couples who practice outside of sessions usually see deeper, faster growth. Insight can only go so far.

Step 7: Focus on Communication Skills

One of the most common reasons couples seek therapy is difficulty communicating. If you think about it, communication is the way couples can work together or work in opposition on their goals. So we think communication issues can truly make or break a couple, even if they say it was money or sex or affairs–how a couple deals with that together is a sign of a successful secure relating couple. 

For example, someone who has affairs has issues turning towards, speaking up, being honest, and advocating for their needs and wants. When things get hard, they turn away or dissociate rather than stay present. 

Another example, someone with sexual trauma may not center shared pleasure; rather, they may go through the motions of sex or avoid it altogether in their relationship. Naming this and addressing it requires a level of communication that often isn’t taught by our parents or in school. 

Addressing our issues in Couples Therapy starts with the foundations of communication.

Communication in Couples therapy often teaches skills like:

• “I” statements: Expressing feelings without blame (e.g., “I feel hurt when…”).

• Active listening: Showing your partner you understand before responding.

• Repair attempts: Calming conflict before it escalates.

• Practicing Empathy or Validation: dropping your perspective to “try on your partner’s perspective” can feel very frustrating, but that skill is central to increasing intimacy.

• Slowing down: Taking time to respond instead of reacting immediately. The couples therapist will help you pause the cycle and self-regulate, which is a more productive and efficient way to get a win-win solution.

Improved communication often creates ripple effects throughout the relationship.

Step 8: Expect Discomfort Along the Way

Therapy sometimes stirs up old wounds or unresolved issues. This discomfort is not a sign that therapy isn’t working — it’s part of the healing process. A lot of the time, our past can explain our behavior. Often, that past pain needs to be addressed in order for the behavior to change.

It may feel challenging when:

• Long-held resentments come up.

• Your partner shares painful feelings.

• You confront patterns you’ve avoided.

• The cycle shows up in the session, and it is obvious that you two are still in pain

The key is to lean into the discomfort with curiosity, not fear. That’s often where breakthroughs happen.

Step 9: Celebrate Progress, Big and Small

Healing is not just about fixing problems — it’s also about noticing growth. Celebrate when you and your partner:

• Resolve a conflict more peacefully.

• Share appreciation towards each other.

• Spend quality time that feels meaningful.

• Take accountability for a mistake.

• Have experiences of improved relating that feel different and new

Recognizing these small steps reinforces positive change.

Step 10: Stay Committed

Couples therapy works best when both partners stay engaged. That means:

• Attending sessions regularly.

• Showing up with openness and effort.

• Continuing the work even when it’s tough.

Commitment shows your partner — and yourself — that your relationship is worth the investment.

The Role of Somatic Couples Therapy

Somatic couples therapy focuses on how the body and nervous system influence relationships. The body and the nervous system carry the important defaults of how closeness, connection, and attunement felt when we were little. In order to heal and have goodness, joy, pleasure, and feel heard/seen, the nervous system figured out ways to get our needs met that might not be helpful in adult relating. 

For example, expecting the house to be spotless and clean at all times so you feel less “out of control” is not realistic. Learning to expand your window of tolerance, negotiate a plan, and sit with your partner together in the mess of life is what intimacy is all about. Or doing retail therapy every time your boss gives you critical feedback, or if you think you have to meet all your partners' needs or else they will leave you, all old tapes that need to be rewritten.

Somatic Therapy in the couples therapy mix allows those defaulted modes, habits, and reactions to be healed on a deeper level.

Somatic therapy can help you:

• Notice body cues when stress or conflict arises.

• Learn regulation skills to calm your nervous system during arguments.

• Build awareness of how closeness or distance feels in your body.

• Reconnect through touch, eye contact, and presence.

This approach can create deeper change because it works with both mind and body, not just thoughts.

Can Online Couples Therapy Work?

Yes! Online therapy offers flexibility and access without losing effectiveness. Many couples find it easier to schedule sessions from home, which supports consistency.

With secure video platforms, online therapy provides:

• Privacy from the comfort of your space.

• Convenience for busy schedules.

• Accessibility if you don’t live near your therapist.

The tools you gain — from communication strategies to somatic awareness — translate just as well online.

Common Myths About Couples Therapy

It’s normal to feel unsure about starting therapy. Here are some myths and truths:

• Myth: Therapy means our relationship is failing. 

  • Truth: Many strong couples use therapy as maintenance, just like checkups with a doctor.

• Myth: The therapist will take sides. 

  • Truth: A skilled therapist supports both partners equally.

• Myth: Therapy only works if we’re about to break up. 

  • Truth: Therapy is effective for prevention, growth, and repair at any stage.

• Myth: Therapists want us to stay together and won’t help us separate

  • Truth: Couples therapists are trained to help you discern if you all want and can stay together, but they also are often holding space to process the dissolution and will take you on that process if you decide that.

When Therapy May Not Be Enough

Sometimes, couples therapy reveals that the relationship cannot continue in a healthy way. This might be the case if:

• There is ongoing abuse.

• One partner refuses to participate honestly.

• The relationship no longer aligns with your values or needs.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, please know that you are not alone, and support is available—reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help and safety. (800)799-7233. If you want help individually in how to safely end a relationship, do not hesitate to reach out for individual support. Our time together is confidential.

In most cases, therapy can still provide clarity and support as you decide the next steps.

Key Takeaways

• Couples therapy works best when you set goals, stay honest, and remain open to feedback.

• Patience and commitment are essential — change takes time.

• Practicing skills outside of sessions strengthens progress.

• Somatic therapy can deepen healing by addressing the body and nervous system.

• Online therapy is just as effective for couples who prefer it.

• Myths about therapy can hold people back — but the truth is, it’s a powerful tool for connection and growth.

Couples therapy is an opportunity to grow, reconnect, and create a healthier relationship. By showing up with honesty, patience, and commitment, you and your partner can make the most of the process.

Whether you’re seeking to repair a rupture, improve communication, or simply deepen your bond, therapy offers guidance and support along the way.

Start Working With a Couples Therapist in San Diego, CA

At Compass Healing Project, our therapists are here to help you and your partner navigate the challenges and joys of your relationship. Contact us anytime. We are here and ready to support you and your relationships. Our Couples Therapists have openings in our San Diego, California, in-person location and virtually throughout California and Colorado. Start your therapy journey with Compass Healing Project by following these simple steps:

1. Fill out this form, email us, or call us at 760-456-7713.

2. Meet with a caring therapist 

3. Start finding the support you need for your relationship!

Other Services Offered at Compass Healing Project

At Compass Healing Project, we take a holistic approach to therapy, using a range of modalities to support various mental health needs. In addition to relationship therapy, we can help reclaim your nervous system with somatic therapy, and offer intensive couples therapy. In addition, we also offer support for teens, EMDR, Clinical Sexology, hypnotherapy, ketamine-assisted therapy, and embodiment practices—each tailored to help with anxiety, depression, PTSD, grief, and sexuality concerns. To learn more about our services, visit our blog or connect with our compassionate therapists in Colorado and California, who specialize in trauma resolution, emotional healing, and integrative therapy to support your journey to well-being.